


Between The Years

by Marvel_Mania



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Developing Relationship, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Guilt, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Siblings, Top Steve Rogers, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, mild misunderstanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:27:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25493887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvel_Mania/pseuds/Marvel_Mania
Summary: Steve is Becca's best friend and he watched as her younger brother grew up. The three had been close as thieves until Bucky left for the war. Becca had begged Steve to keep Bucky safe and he had tried but it wasn't enough. Bucky had slipped through his fingers when he fell from the train.Steve carried the weight of it into the twenty-first century convinced that he should have done more to save Bucky. Steve gets the chance to save Bucky this time when he reappears as the Winter Soldier with no memories of who he is or of his past.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I had this idea for a while but I've finally started it. The plan is for three chapters but that may change as I write, not sure though. Also, the rating will be changing as more is added just so everyone knows. 
> 
> The usual thanks to my amazing friends for everything you do for me. A special thanks to Mimi_Sardinia for proofreading and letting me bounce ideas off of you. 
> 
> As always, enjoy!

Growing up, Bucky had always looked up to Steve Rogers. Even when Bucky surpassed Steve in height, he still looked up to him. Bucky had always known that he was different.

Steve was Becca’s, Bucky’s big sister, best friend. Even though Bucky was younger than both of them, he was always found not far away from them. Becca and Steve had been known as The Terrible Two for twelve years before Bucky turned six and was deemed barely old enough to hang out with them.

After Bucky turned six, the three were inseparable. They were always jumping into fights that the others (mainly Steve) had started. After the fights, they would help clean each other up so Sarah and Winnifred wouldn't kill them once they got to their respective homes.

It wasn’t until Bucky was thirteen that he realized what exactly made him so different. When boys his age were finally starting to notice girls, Bucky was noticing Steve. He had always found Steve nice to look at but it wasn’t until Joseph Brant had explained how he felt about Virginia Roberts that Bucky realized he had a crush on Steve.

That night he had gone to Becca and asked how she knew if she like liked someone. She was nineteen after all so she had to have known. “Well, you get butterflies in your stomach and you think about them a lot. Believe me, you’ll know,” she had said and patter Bucky’s head.

“I think I know,” he said quietly. “But what if it’s not a girl I like?”

He watched as Becca’s face fell and became very serious. “James, listen to me right now. Don’t ever tell anyone besides me or Steve anything like that. Alright?”

“Why,” Bucky asked with big eyes.

“People think it’s wrong for two boys or two girls to have feelings for each other. Steve and I don’t care so we are safe to talk to in private but don’t talk to anyone else about it. Steve and I have seen people arrested for it. Do you understand me, James?”

Not having any words, Bucky simply nodded. Becca relaxed and pulled him roughly into a tight hug. “I will always love you, no matter what, Bucky. Always,” she told him.

Bucky never brought up his feelings about liking a boy to Steve since it was Steve who he had feelings for. Bucky could see when Becca put it together but she never said anything to him. She would just hug him tightly and remind him that she loved him unconditionally.

He knew that his feeling would only get him hurt. It wasn’t like he and Steve could ever actually be together and he knew what the future probably held. Bucky wasn’t naive no matter how much he kind of wanted to be. He knew that Steve and Becca would probably get married in the future, settle down, and have a few kids. They would have a happy life together and Bucky would just be in the shadows just as he always had been.

That was how he saw their lives playing out until the war. Bucky watched as Steve attempted to enlist but he couldn’t. After watching Steve get rejected for the fourth time, Bucky lies about his age and enlisted. It wasn’t like he was too young. He was seventeen, almost old enough to be drafted anyway.

He didn’t tell anyone what he was doing until the night before he shipped out to basic. “I’m leaving tomorrow,” he said much more confidently than he felt.

“What,” Becca asked as she played with one of the twins while Steve was playing with the other. The twins were six. Their parents apparently had something against having kids even remotely the same age. Maybe it was because they had Becca when they were still really young.

“I’ve enlisted. I ship out tomorrow. Part of the 107th,” he said.

“James,” she said. Steve was now playing with both of the twins while listening. Becca was standing in front of him with wide eyes. “You aren’t old enough. You’re only seventeen.”

“I know but I have to do this, Becca. I have to,” he said.

“Oh, James,” she said before hugging him just as she had when he was thirteen.

“Come on. It’s my last night in the city. Let’s have some fun,” he said.

“Where did you have in mind,” she teased.

“The future,” Bucky said with a smirk.

The five of them went across the city to the Stark Expo. The twins and Bucky had an amazing night but Becca was only worried. Near the end of the night, she pulled Steve aside with tears in her eyes.

“Steve, you have to do something. You have to go after him and keep him safe. Please. I know what I’m asking is selfish but please. He’s my baby brother,” she said a little hysterically.

“I can try but you should know that I haven’t had luck. I’ve been trying for months with no luck,” he said.

“Just try. If you’re over there, I know someone will be watching him. Please,” she said again.

“Alright. Go, be with Bucky on his last night here. Tell him I had to go or something,” Steve said with a gesture toward Bucky and the twins who were watching some machine glow brightly. “Go.”

Steve watched as Becca rejoined her younger sibling. They all turned to smile and wave at him. He waved back before they walked away.

After they had gone, Steve went to the recruitment office. It was there that he met Dr. Abraham Erskine.

•••

When Steve stepped out of the chamber, everything was different but the same. He had less than five minutes to take in the changes to his own body before the gun started firing.

Steve had watched, unable to do anything, as Abraham took his last breath. After that, Steve put his new body to the test as he chased after the Hydra goon who had shot his friend. Catching him was for nothing since he killed himself directly after Steve had caught him.

Everything happened quickly after that. He was being shipped from city to city acting as no more than a dancing monkey. It wasn’t until a year and a half after Bucky shipped out that Steve finally made it to Europe.

He didn’t get the response he was used to. He escaped backstage as the girls went back on stage. Later, he was sitting backstage as he drew. That was where Peggy found him.

“Hello, Steve,” she had said to get his attention. They talked for a while and Peggy told him that he was meant for more than this.

Their conversation changed when a medical car came pulling up and a man on a stretcher was being pulled out. “They look like they’ve been through hell,” Steve said.

“These men more than most,” Peggy confirmed. “Schmidt sent out a force to Azzano. Two hundred men went up against, and less than fifty returned. Your audience contained what was left of the 107th. The rest were killed our captured”

Steve's blood ran cold. “The 107th?”

Peggy gave him an odd look and then Steve was running through the rain to Colonel Phillips’ tent. “The star-spangled man with a plan. What’s your plan today,” he asked shortly.

“I need the casualty list from Azzano,” Steve said bluntly.

That earned him a glare. “You don’t get to give me orders, son.”

Steve eased his tone some. “I only need one name. James Barnes of the 107th.”

Instead of answering him, Phillips turned his attention to Peggy and said, “you and I are gonna have a conversation later that you won’t enjoy.”

“Please tells me if he’s alive, sir,” Steve said a little desperate. “B-A-R...”

“I can spell,” Phillips cut him off. He went on to tell Steve that the name sounded familiar and then offer his condolences.

Steve felt a cold he hadn’t felt since the winter of 32’. He asked about a rescue plan only to learn that there wasn’t one. Philips explained why and if it was anyone other than the 107th, he wouldn’t be happy but he would understand.

He wasn’t thinking clearly when he started packing a bag. All he knew is that he had to get to Azzano. “You heard the colonel. Your friend is most likely dead,” Peggy said.

“You don’t know that,” Steve defended. He could hear the ghost of Becca crying and begging Steve to take care of and watch out for her baby brother. If he closed his eyes he could see Bucky. Bucky who was too young to be here, Bucky who he had watched grow up while he was growing up himself, and Bucky who he was supposed to keep safe.

Peggy continued to try to reason with him but it was no use and she soon realized. She then helped him get behind enemy lines.

Once at the base, Steve worked quickly to get to the prisoners. He freed them before asking if Bucky.

“There’s an isolation ward in the factory, but no one’s ever come back from it,” one man explained.

Steve nodded and then explained how to escape and told the men to give them hell before going off to find Bucky. As he searched halls and rooms he saw Zola. He was about to chase after him when he heard someone groan from a room Steve hadn’t checked. As soon as he was in the room, he knew it was Bucky.

Bucky didn’t realize that anyone else was in the room for a moment, just repeating his rank and number before he opened his eyes and saw Steve. Even then, it took a moment for Bucky to comprehend that Steve was real. “Steve,” he said a little awestruck with a hazy smile on his face.

“I thought you were dead,” Steve said as he simply held onto any part of Bucky he could to confirm to himself that Bucky was really alive.

“I thought you were smaller,” Bucky said suddenly. Bucky had passed Steve’s height when he was fourteen, much to Becca delight at being able to tease both of them. Focusing himself again, Steve concentrated on getting them out. A few explosions and a guy ripping his own face off later, they had rejoined the other men. It took them three nights to make it back to the camp. The men slept during the day and traveled at night.

Those who were injured rode in or on the tank that they had stolen. Steve had tried to get Bucky to rest and ride on the tank but Bucky refused. “Bucky, you’re hurt. They told me that no one has returned from that lab,” Steve had argued right before the started walking on the second night.

“I’m fine, Steve. I’m younger than the rest of these guys and I can carry my own. I have been for over a year,” Bucky said stubbornly and started to walk even though no one else had. Steve didn’t push the matter anymore after that.

Once they got to camp everyone celebrated, over a hundred men had been returned in one piece, everyone except Bucky. He had seen how Steve. Had looked at the woman with the English accent and he knew he could never measure up to her. Everyone rested for a day and Steve worried over Bucky, which Bucky loved and hated, until he was called into a meeting with high ranking officials.

He formed the Howling Commandos that night. They were all men he had rescued from Azzano. It was Bucky who he was most worried about. “You can go home. I could get you an honorable discharge and you could go home to Becca and the rest of your family,” he told him as they sat at the bar.

“I can’t go home yet. The war isn’t over and home wouldn’t be safe,” he said softly.

“Then how do you feel about following Captain America into the jaws of death,” Steve asked. He knew that his team would be in dangerous situations but it was war and at least Steve could keep an eye on Bucky and make sure that he was safe.

“Hell, no,” Bucky said immediately before continuing after a slight pause. “I’m following Steve Rogers, the same guy I’ve followed into countless fights.” There was another pause as Bucky took another drink. “You’re keeping the outfit, right?”

“You know what, it’s kind of growing on me,” Steve said as he smiled at Bucky.

There was a brief moment, with Steve looking at him like that, where Bucky considered telling Steve his feelings. He considered telling Steve that he had had feelings for him since he was thirteen and discovering what those feelings were; and that he had been in love with Steve since he was fifteen and he had seen Steve punched a guy hard enough to break his nose.

It was stupid and whatever spell he was under was broken when Peggy walked into the room in an amazing red dress. Even though Bucky wasn’t attracted to women, he could appreciate that she was beautiful. Not being able to help himself, he flirted with her only to be shut down. He saw the way Steve looked at her and he could feel his heart tug painfully in his chest.

After Peggy left, Bucky downed the rest of his drink and excused himself. When Steve eventually went after him, he found Bucky pushed up against a tree near the edge of the base by another man. He was about to intervene when he heard Bucky moan softly. Steve wouldn’t have been able to hear it if not for his now enhanced hearing.

Steve stayed there for a moment, unable to move, until Bucky got down on his knees and started working on the other man’s pants. Steve left before he actually saw anything, his cheeks stained red. He hadn’t known that Bucky felt that way towards other men. Maybe it was just pent up tension, Steve thought to himself.

He considered bringing it up to Bucky the next morning but kept his mouth for some reason. He wasn’t meant to see what he saw. Bucky obviously hadn’t wanted him to know so he stayed quiet. He cared for Bucky and he trusted him with his life. How Bucky felt about other men didn’t change anything for Steve.

Things didn’t change after that night. Bucky treated him as he always did as they worked their way through Hydra bases. The Howling Commandoes became family since they spent so much time together in remote settings.

A few weeks after the Howling Commandos had formed, the comics started. It took them a few more weeks to learn of it. They had been stopping at a base to refill on supplies before their next mission when they learned.

“Oh my god, it’s the Commandos,” one man had yelled and then they were swarmed.

They were quickly able to slip away. Morita snatched a comic before they were shipped out into the middle of nowhere again. That night, they learned what all the fuss was about. He read it first since he was the one to steal it and had damn near pissed himself with laughter.

“What,” Gabe demanded as he stole the comic from Morita. “My god.”

After the two calmed themselves, they explained it to the rest of the team around the fire. “There are comics about us but they’ve been filtered through propaganda. I would be offended what they did to me if I didn’t find Bucky’s so hilarious,” Morita wheezed.

“What did they do to me,” Bucky asked with his eyebrows drawn together.

“See for yourself,” Gabe said as he threw the comic.

“Why am I in tights and a onesie? How old am I in this fucking thing,” Bucky squinted at the image.

“Twelve,” Morita and Gabe said together before bursting into laughter again. They were joined by the rest of the Commandos except for Bucky himself.

“This is bullshit. Just because I’m the youngest doesn’t mean I’m a child,” he said even as he pouted like one.

“You were seventeen when you joined. You were still a child, Buck,” Steve said and the laughter dried up.

Bucky had never directly lied to them about his age but he also hadn’t gone out of his way to tell them how young he actually was. He knew that they thought he was eighteen or nineteen when he joined and thought he was now twenty or twenty-one now only to learn that he was still only nineteen. “Bucky,” Dum Dum said softly.

This is why he had never told them his real age, he didn’t want their pity. He had chosen this and it wasn’t like he was still a kid now.

“You told Zola to take you to the lab instead of me,” Gabe said softly. “Said you were younger and healthier. You said you could take whatever they threw at you instead of one of us old me.”

“Bucky,” it was Steve this time and he sounded hurt. Bucky hadn’t told him that he had basically volunteered for the lab if it meant saving someone else who he didn’t know at the time.

“Look, I was young when I joined, I’m still young, but I’m not a kid. I’ve been here just as long as the rest of you and I have more kills than most of you combined. Let’s just all drop it,” he said before standing and walking away from the fire.

Things were tense the next morning but the mood lightened after Steve stepped in and made a joke. “At least you never actually had to wear tights like in the comic,” Steve had said and just like that, things were better.

They didn’t bring up the comics again and tried to avoid talking about them to anyone else. They each had their own complaints about them. They had made Gabe white, Dernier no more than a French side character, and Dum Dum no more than comic relief. So they ignored the comics altogether, it was easier that way. Once life was normal, or as normal as life could be during a world war, they were happy.

Every few weeks they would venture into civilization and have a good night. Every time they did, they would all get drunk off their asses, excluding Steve. Almost every time Bucky would disappear at some point in the night and reappear the next morning with bruises that signified he had been with someone the night before. Steve had seen him leave with a man one time but never mentioned that or the time Steve had seen Bucky at the edge of the base.

The war was at a turning point during their mission. They had been sent to capture one of Hydra’s head scientists. It was a routine mission, no more dangerous than any other mission they had gone on but this one would change everything.

Bucky teased Steve as they waited for the train. “Remember when I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island?”

“Yeah, and I threw up,” Steve asked even though he knew the exact night he was talking about. Becca had flat out refused to ride it anymore but Bucky had somehow convinced Steve to ride it one more time. Steve had thrown up immediately after getting off of the ride.

“This isn’t payback, is it,” he asked.

“Now why would I do that,” Steve said with a slight smile.

Bucky wasn’t able to respond since the train was approaching and then they needed to move. Steve, Bucky, and Gabe zip lined down and landed on the train. They made it in. And everything was quiet. As Steve advanced to the next car, the door closed and they were separated. Right after that, the shooting started.

It happened so fast after that. Next thing Steve knew, there was a hole in the side of the train and Bucky was barely handing on. Steve climbed out of the hole and onto the side of the train. “Grab my hand,” Steve yelled as he reached out for Bucky.

Just before Bucky was able to grab Steve’s outstretched hand, the bar broke from the side of the train. “No,” Steve screamed as he watched Bucky fall. For a brief, insane, moment Steve considered jumping after him but he was frozen. He simply pressed himself tightly to the side of the train and tried to fight back tears.

He allowed himself just a brief moment before having to force himself to move.

“Where’s Bucky,” Dum Dum asked when they extracted Steve, Gabe, and Zola.

“He-he didn’t make it. He fell,” Steve said a little numbly.

There was a silence that sat upon them as they made their way back to the base where they would hand Zola over. The scientist was wise enough not to say anything as they traveled.

Steve was on autopilot until he was able to get away from everyone. He found himself in a bombed-out bar trying, and failing, to get drunk. He hadn’t protected Bucky. All he could think about was how devastated Becca would be when they got the news.

She had cried and begged Steve to keep Bucky safe and he hadn’t. Steve knew it would be hard on George and Winnifred but Becca was the one who had practically raised him because they always had to work. If he wasn’t hearing Becca’s crying, he heard Bucky’s screams as he fell.

He had been too damn young to be here. He was only nineteen. Bucky shouldn’t have been there at all. Steve should have insisted that Bucky go home after Azzano but he hadn’t. Steve should have chosen someone else for the mission. He should have kept Bucky safe.

Steve just wanted to get drunk but he couldn’t even do that because of the serum.

Eventually, Peggy found him. For no apparent reason, he explained it to Peggy even though she probably knew what the serum had done to him on a cellular level. She played ball for a moment before confronting him. “It wasn’t your fault,” she said carefully.

“Did you read the report,” he asked almost bitterly.

“Yes,” she said.

Steve felt like crying again. “Then you know that’s not true,” he said even as his throat tried to close halfway through.

“You did everything you could,” she said but got no response. “Did you believe in your friend? Did you respect him? Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Barnes the dignity of his choice. He damn well must have thought you were worth it.”

“I’m going after Schmidt. I’m not going to stop until all of Hydra is dead or captured,” Steve said instead of whatever else he thought of saying.

“You won’t be alone,” Peggy side soothingly.

Alone like Becca would feel when she learned of what had happened to Bucky. Alone like Bucky himself as he fell. Alone like he was now, at the bottom of some frozen valley.

The next intelligence briefing was more somber than any had previously been. The Howlies were mourning a loss of their own and they wanted blood. If they wouldn’t be able to kill Zola, they wanted the person above him and that’s who they would have.

One last mission to cut off the final head of Hydra.

Steve would be the one who did the heavy lifting. It had been his job to take care of Bucky and now it was his responsibility to get justice for him.

They stormed the last base but it almost been too late. Schmidt has taken off in an aircraft but Steve had gone after him.

He hadn’t known how exactly he would defeat Schmidt, other than punch him until he stopped breathing, but as it turned out he didn’t need to worry about it. Schmidt was brought down by his own hubris. He had thought that he was a god but in the end, he had forgotten that he and Steve were only men.

Steve was left alone on the plane. He looked out above the clouds and allowed himself a moment of silence before radioing the base.

She asked his coordinates but he simply told her that Schmidt was dead. “There’s not going to be a safe landing, but I can try to force it down,” he said.

Peggy tried to talk him out of it but he had made up his mind. Steve may not have been able to keep Bucky safe in this life but hopefully, he could watch over him in the next one. He had kept Bucky waiting long enough as it was.

•••

When Steve woke in the new century, he realized that he was now truly alone. All of the Howling Commandos had died, all of old age he was almost glad to hear, and Peggy was more complicated. She was alive but she wasn’t who she had been and she didn’t always remember Steve.

She had lived a full life, and he was happy for her, but it hurt to see her. Becca was also still alive but Steve had yet to see her. He still felt the weight of losing Bucky. She had married a wealthy man and they still lived together in Brooklyn from what Steve had been told.

He had checked on the rest of the Barnes family. Becca had outlived all of her siblings. One of the twins had died giving birth to her second child, the child had survived though, and the other had died of breast cancer in her fifties.

Becca had taken in her three nieces and one nephew after her sisters had died. She raised them alongside her own son and daughter as her own.

Steve had always known that Becca had been made of strong stuff but he never could have imagined just how strong she truly was.

In another life, Bucky and Steve would have been there with her. Bucky had never gotten to see any of his sisters get married or start a family.

Soon he would get over himself and go see Becca but for now, he had an alien invasion to prevent.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the usual thanks to my amazing friends for putting up with me. 
> 
> Enjoy!

It had been a few years since Steve had woken up in the new century. He wasn’t as alone as he was when he first woke up but he also wasn’t as close to the people around him as some thought. He had the other Avengers but it was harder to have a friendship with them. It felt mandatory to be friends with them.

Tony was like his father in many respects but it was like trying to look at Howard through an unwashed window. It had taken Steve a few weeks to let go of the fact that Tony was Howard’s son and not Howard himself. Tony had told Steve of how cold and distant Howard had become and that was hard for Steve to reconcile with his own memories of the man. In the end, Howard became a topic that they both vehemently avoided.

Thor was a god or alien, Steve still wasn’t sure how to classify him, who’s brother had tried to take over the earth. Steve didn’t have anything against Thor but he didn’t like how he tried to defend Loki even though Loki had made his own choices. Loki was arrogant in a way that almost reminded Steve of Schmidt. It didn’t help matters that Steve had been raised Catholic, even though he didn’t agree with the teachings about sex and homosexuality especially, so it was hard to accept that Norse mythology was, to some extent, real.

Bruce seemed okay enough but he distanced himself from others as to not hurt them if the Hulk reared his head. Steve couldn’t really fault him on that but he wasn’t going to try to push a friendship.

Natasha was friendly, if you wanted to call it that. She would openly flirt with him or try to set him up on dates but he didn’t actually know that much about her. Same with Clint, except the flirting and trying to set him up part. Clint was nice and Steve liked him but that didn’t change the fact that they didn’t know each other, not really. Natasha and Clint were both, at their cores, spies. He simply didn’t truly know them.

He had been visiting Peggy more. She had good and bad days but it was hard for Steve to see her. She reminded him of the life he could have had but he had been quite literally frozen if time.

Seeing Becca was better. He had eventually gotten up the nerve to go see her. She had cried upon seeing him. “In the course of a few weeks I had lost both of you,” she had said as she hugged him. She was older and frailer than she had been when he last saw her when she was twenty-five but she was still the same in some ways. She still had that fire in her that had caused them to become friends all those years ago. He had apologized for not saving Bucky but she had just given him a stern look.

She asked if there was anything he could have done to save him without getting himself killed in the process, he had said no, and then she had told him that it wasn’t his fault. She had given two boxes of both his and Bucky’s old things. She had refused to give some things to the government such as Steve’s sketches, the blanket Sarah had made for Steve when he was a baby, Bucky’s old journals, a drawing that Bucky had made when Steve had tried to teach him how to draw that one time, and other small but personal things.

They had spent that afternoon, and many others before Steve moved to DC, reminiscing of the old days. She had shown him family photos and told him who each of the people were. She had named her son James Grant in honor of Steve and Bucky. They still talked on the phone a lot after Steve had moved.

Then there was, of course, Steve himself. He was a man out of time. He had missed so much that, at times, it felt impossible to catch up. He wasn’t as old school as people thought but he didn’t understand a lot of references, he also couldn’t get over the prices in the store nowadays either.

Matters weren’t helped by the fact that he wasn’t often seen as a person. He was now seen as a national icon, a pawn to be used politically. His image and name had been used politically for nearly seventy years in ways that made him sick. Catching up on how he had been used had been hard but he had to know what to fix. He had quickly set the record straight fairly soon after he had woken up.

His name and image had been used to oppress minorities and make him out to be some evangelical person, which he wasn’t. He had been raised Catholic but he didn’t actually practice it. He wasn’t the saint that Republicans tried to make him out to be. He had released a statement saying that he found it despicable how his name had been used. He was all for women’s rights, LGBTQ+ rights, Black Lives Matter, and anything that boiled down to human rights.

He had grown up in Brooklyn which had been a notorious underground queer city when he was growing up but people seemed to forget that.

Steve simply didn’t know how to make new friends in this century, he hadn’t in the last century either. Steve had gotten lucky in his friendship with Becca which had subsequently led to his friendship with Bucky. He and the Howlies had also become friends based on circumstance even though Steve had been the one to personally pick them before he truly knew them.

The first tentative, real friend Steve made was by being an ass. Steve ran in the morning and sometimes saw other people and would pass them but he rarely lapped them let alone three times in the same morning. After his run, he had introduced himself and met Sam Wilson. They had talked and it felt like one of the first human connections Steve had experienced since coming out of the ice.

Their conversation had been brief before Natasha texted with a mission. Things became hectic after that. Between the Lemurian Star and learning of Project Insight, Steve got a little swept up in everything that was going on.

After learning about Insight, Steve went to the Captain America museum exhibit. It was a place he had been often enough. He didn’t go to stroke his own ego or try to glorify his own life but it was a place where he could almost be back in his own time. He saw recordings of Peggy, Becca, the Howling Commandos, himself, and of Bucky. While Becca had refused to give the government personal things of his and Bucky’s, she had handed over some things like copies of photos but not the actual photos.

He saw a recording of himself and Bucky smiling and laughing. He knew exactly what that was from. Jim had made a terribly dirty joke and Bucky had simply one-upped him, causing them all to laugh. It had been a few weeks before the train. Steve had almost forgotten how young Bucky still looked.

Steve went to visit Peggy after the museum. They talked for a bit and Steve talked about the last mission. “The world has changed, and none of us can go back. All we can do is our best and sometimes the best that we can do is to start over,” she said before going into a coughing fit. Steve had quickly gone to get her a glass of water but the moment had passed. “Steve.”

“Yeah,” Steve asked, thinking she was about to say something else.

Instead, she gasped loudly. “You’re alive. You came back,” she said.

Steve forced himself to smile. “Yeah, Peggy,” he said.

“It’s been so long. So long,” she said as she stared at him.

“Well, I couldn’t leave one of my best girls, not when she owes me a dance,” Steve said, still forcing a smile. He stayed for a while longer until Peggy fell asleep.

Once he left Peggy, Steve went to the VA to see Sam. He got there at the end of the meeting but didn’t make his presence know. They covered some pretty heavy things.

Sam had then told Steve about Riley and Steve thought of Bucky. They had both watched as people they cared about fell and there wasn’t anything that either of them could have done. They went out to a bar to get dinner and just get to know each other a little better.

When Steve got to his apartment, he found Fury. They talked in code before Fury typed ‘ _EARS EVERYWHERE. SHIELD COMPROMISED._ ’

They didn’t have much time to talk before a bullet came crashing through the wall and embedding itself into Fury’s chest. “Don’t trust anyone,” Fury said before Steve was going after the sniper.

Steve was able to catch up with the sniper but he was almost as fast as Steve. Steve threw the shield at the sniper’s back only for him to whirl around and catch the shield with a metal arm.

From across the roof, Steve froze. No one had caught his shield like that. Even though they were a rooftop apart, Steve could have sworn that the sniper’s eyes were sad. Both of those combined had Steve hesitating. Then, without warning, the sniper threw the shield back at Steve. Steve caught it but he slid back a good foot from the force and he was fairly certain that he would have a bruise on his midsection for at least half an hour.

Then he jumped off of the roof. By the time Steve made it to the edge of roof, the sniper had disappeared.

Steve rode with Fury to the hospital, no one was about to question Captain America, and Natasha met him there not long after. Steve told her that they weren’t sure if Fury would make it.

“Tell me about the shooter,” she said as they watched the operation.

“He’s fast, strong, and he had a metal arm,” he told her.

Hill joined them right after. “Ballistics,” Natasha asked

“Three slugs, no rifling. Completely untraceable,” Hill answered.

“Soviet-made,” Natasha said and it was confirmed a moment later by Hill.

Not a minute later, Fury started to flatline. They were allowed a moment alone before Hill had to take him.

Steve then met with Pierce. Even though Pierce was playing friendly as if trying to defend Fury while simultaneously trying to get Steve to distance himself from Fury and call him a terrorist.

Pierce danced around it until he simply came out with it. “If you really knew Nick Fury, you’d know that’s not true,” Steve said.

Steve just wanted to leave. After he finally excused himself, and was leaving the room, when Pierce stopped him again but with a vague threat this time. Steve simply left.

Not even five minutes later, hell broke loose. Steve had been on the elevator and had watched as more and more people got on. While they tried to make it a surprise attack, Steve wasn’t an idiot.

After he had taken out the strike team he tried to find an exit route only to discover there wasn’t one. So he did the next logical thing and jumped out of the window before escaping the base completely.

Steve’s first stop was the hospital to retrieve the flash drive that he had hidden there. He didn’t find the flash drive but he did find Natasha waiting for him. The conversation wasn’t going how either of them wanted until Natasha confessed to knowing who killed Fury.

That got Steve to pause. After Steve didn’t say anything else, Natasha continued. “Most of the intelligence community doesn’t believe he exists. The ones that do call him the Winter Soldier. He’s credited with over two dozen assassinations in the last fifty years,” she said.

“So he’s a ghost story,” Steve said.

“Five years ago, I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran. Somebody shot out my tires near Odessa. We lost control, went straight over a cliff. I pulled us out but the Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer so he shot him straight through me,” she said and then pulled up her shirt slightly to show a scar. “Soviet slug, no rifling. Bye-bye, bikinis.”

“Yeah, I bet you look terrible in them now,” Steve sassed.

“Going after him is a dead end. I know, I’ve tried. Like you said, he’s a ghost story,” she said as she produced the drive from her pocket.

Steve took the drive before saying, “well, let’s find out what the ghost wants.”

They then want to a public mall to unlock the drive. Once they unlocked it and made it out of the mall, they headed to New Jersey.

“Where did Captain America learn how to steal a car,” she asked on the way to New Jersey.

“Nazi Germany, and we’re borrowing. Take your feet off the dash,” Steve answered.

Next Natasha asked if that was his first kiss since the war. It wasn’t. Steve had been discrete but he had met and shared a night with various people or various genders. It was relieving to know that he didn’t have to hide that part of himself anymore.

Though Steve would never admit to anyone, would barely admit it to himself, he had thought of Bucky the first night that he stayed with another guy. He thought about how he had seen Bucky get on his knees for another man and how he had disappeared some nights only to show up the next morning looking like that cat that had gotten the cream. Steve had never known for certain but was fairly sure that Bucky had spent those nights with other men.

“Nobody special, though,” she asked, sounding genuinely interested.

“Believe it or not, it’s kind of hard to find someone with shared life experiences,” Steve simply said.

“Well, that’s alright. You just make something up,” she said lightly.

“What, like you,” Steve asked before he could stop himself.

“I don’t know. The truth is a matter of circumstance. It’s not all things to all people, all the time. Neither am I,” she said with a smirk.

“That’s a tough way to live.” Steve knew from experience.

“It’s a good way not to die, though,” she said and Steve was reminded of his old life. She had a point but so did he. He had hidden the truth of his attraction to both men and women from everyone except Becca. If anyone else had found out, he would have been killed. He let that thought pass.

“You know, it’s kind of hard to trust someone when you don’t know who that someone really is,” he said instead of voicing any of his other thoughts.

“Yeah,” Natasha said and then paused for a moment. “Who do you want me to be?”

“How about a friend,” Steve asked.

“Well, there’s a chance you might be in the wrong business, Rogers,” she said.

Steve didn’t respond. The rest of the drive was mostly silent. It was probably for the best. Steve had been pulled back to a time he was no longer a part of with people who were no longer alive except for two.

It seemed that the past was something that needed to be confronted because the coordinates led them to Camp Lehigh, where Steve had been trained. Natasha wasn’t able to find anything until Steve noticed the out of place building.

They found where Shield was started and more. They found the hidden elevator that led them to the basement where they found Zola, or at least what was left of him. He had essentially become an AI. That was also where they realized that Hydra had grown as a parasite inside of Shield.

“We won, Captain. Your death amounts to the same as your life. A zero sum,” the computer said right before Steve punched it.

The bunker was blown up a few seconds later. They were able to make a hasty escape but they needed somewhere to rest and plan. Not knowing where else to go, Steve turned to Sam for help.

Without questions, Sam simply opened his home to them. While cleaning up, Natasha opened up. For the first time since they met, Steve thought he might actually have a friend in Natasha.

With Sam’s help, they were able to get Sitwell and the information fairly quickly. The four of them got into the car and started toward the base.

While on the bridge, they were attacked. Everything in the car happened fast and it didn’t exactly slow down once they had gotten out. Missiles were being launched, bullets were everywhere, and the Winter Soldier was there.

The Soldier was just as fast as he had been on the roof. Steve was strong than most of him and faster but the Soldier was trained in a more refined way than Steve and he was fighting to kill.

After a quick hand to hand fight, Steve was able to flip the Soldier and his mask fell off. When the Soldier turned to to face Steve without the mask, all of Steve’s air left his lungs. Steve knew that face. Even with the longer hair and slight stubble that looked like it was trying to grow, it still looked too damn young to be here in the middle of the chaos. “Bucky,” Steve asked almost frantically while the rest of his body was frozen.

The Soldier looked at Steve before raising his gun and asking, “who the hell is Bucky?”

Steve was still frozen, he probably would have let him shot him if not for Sam saving his ass. Once the Soldier stood again, he glanced to his left as if trying to see something that wasn’t there, before lifting the gun again. Steve thought that he had fired it but a small missile went past his head and towards the Soldier.

The Soldier was gone once the smoke cleared. Steve’s body refuses to fight, to even move properly, even as the three of them were being arrested.

“It was him. He looked right at me like he didn’t even know me,” Steve said in the back of the van. No one had told them not to talk.

“How is that even possible? It was, like, seventy years ago,” Sam said.

“Zola,” Steve said. “Bucky’s whole unit was captured in 43’. Zola experimented on him. Whatever he did helped Bucky survive the fall. They must have found him and...”

“None of that’s your fault, Steve,” Natasha cut him off.

It didn’t matter that it wasn’t actually his fault, he felt like it was. He had not only failed to keep Bucky safe during the war but Hydra had gotten a hold of him again. Bucky had been different after Azzano. The other Howlies hadn’t noticed, maybe because they hadn’t know Bucky before, but Steve had. It had taken Steve three days after their return to camp to get Bucky to go see the medics and even that had taken Steve promising not to leave him.

He still looked young. He still looked virtually the same as he had when he fell except for their hair and the arm. He still looked nineteen. He still looked like the kid from Brooklyn. Steve’s thoughts wouldn’t shut up.

How long had Bucky laid at the bottom of the frozen ravine before Hydra had found him? Had the thought that they were there to save him only to be imprisoned and tortured? How long had Bucky waited for Steve or anyone to save him before giving up hope? How much had he had to suffer at the hands of Hydra while Steve had been under the ice?

“Even when I had nothing I have Becca and Bucky,” he said.

After his mother had died, Becca and Bucky had come to see him. Bucky had only been eleven at the time. He had looked Steve in the eye and told him that, “they were with him until the end of the line” and that he “didn’t have to get by on your own because you’re part of the family.” They had stayed with him for a few days and it had helped more than Steve could even put into words.

Not long after that conversation, Maria helped them escape. She took them to a safe house where they learned that Fury was alive. They weren’t just taking down Hydra but also Shield. It all had to go.

Sam tried to warn him before the mission. “Look, whoever is used to be and the guy he is now, I don’t think he’s the kind you save. He’s the kind you stop,” Sam warned him.

“I don’t know if I can do that,” Steve said honestly.

“He might not give you a choice. He doesn’t know you,” Sam tried again.

“He will,” is all Steve said after that.

Before the mission started, Steve went to the museum and stole his old uniform. It had been the last thing Bucky saw him in before the fall.

Steve was able to get the first helicarrier after some gunfire. Sam was able to get the second not long after and then there was one. Once aboard the third one, the Soldier made his presence known.

The Soldier was able to ground Sam, leaving only Steve to switch the drives. Bucky was waiting for him when he got there. “People are going to die, Buck. I can’t let that happen,” Steve said but he got no response. “Please don’t make me do this.”

When he still got no response, the fighting started. Steve was shot in the side but it wasn’t bad enough to be fatal or slow him down.

While fighting, Steve was trying to switch the drive. He wasn’t doing half bad until he dropped it. Bucky picked it up before Steve had a chance to get to it. “Drop it,” Steve said as he twisted Bucky’s flesh shoulder. “Drop it,” he repeated and pushed harder.

Realizing that this wouldn’t cut it, Steve switched tactics and got Bucky into a chokehold. Steve didn’t release his hold until Bucky released his on the drive.

As Steve climbed, he was shot again but this time in the back of the thigh. He was shot once again in the abdomen. Steve was just barely able to get the chip in before they started firing. “Okay, Cap, get out of there,” Maria said.

“Fire now,” Steve said.

“But, Steve...”

“Do it,” Steve yelled one his Captain voice. “Do it now!”

Maria followed orders and soon the helicarrier was about to come down around Steve and Bucky. Steve was willing to go down but then he heard the scream. Bucky had gotten trapped under debris.

Without a second thought, Steve was heading towards Bucky to help him escape. As Steve struggled to get there, he could see fear in Bucky’s eyes. He had seen that kind of fear before. He had seen it as Bucky was clinging to the side of a speeding train and then as he fell.

“You know me,” Steve said after Bucky was free.

“No, I don’t,” Bucky yelled before punching Steve with his metal fist.

“Bucky, you’ve known me your whole life.” Steve was backhanded this time but Steve still wasn’t fighting Bucky now that there were no civilian risks. “Your name is James Buchanan Barnes.”

“Shut up,” Bucky yelled as he tried to tackled him.

Steve stood and took off his helmet. “I’m not gonna fight you,” Steve said and then dropped the shield. “You’re my friend.”

“You’re my mission,” Bucky said after tackling Steve again and straddling his abdomen so that he was on top of Steve. “You’re my mission,” Bucky repeated as he continued to punch Steve in the face.

“Then finish it. Because I’m with you ‘til the end of the line,” Steve said.

At the phrase, so many emotions passed through Bucky’s eyes. Recognition, hurt, fear, panic, grief, and confusion passed through Bucky’s eyes in the matter of a few seconds. Then Steve was falling into the river. He would have drowned if someone, he knew it was Bucky even though Steve hadn't actually seen him do it, hadn’t pulled him out.

Steve was alone when he woke up on the river bank but Sam was with him when he woke up in the hospital.

The first visit Steve made when he was healed was to Nick Fury, or technically his grave. Sam was with him. Fury asked him to go to Europe to help him take down the rest of Hydra but Steve needed to find Bucky now.

Natasha arrived only a few moments after Fury walked away. She gave him a file, saying that she had had to call in a few favors to get it. “Be cared, Steve. You might not want to pull on that thread,” she warned before leaving as well.

Steve opened the file to see a picture of the Winter Soldier frozen and a smaller one of Bucky in his army uniform. “You’re going after him,” Sam said. It wasn’t a question, simply a statement.

“You don’t have to come with me,” Steve replied.

“I know. When do we start,” Sam asked.

Steve was going to find Bucky and bring him home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know that this is basically just a play by play of Captain America: The Winter Soldier but I felt like I needed to write this. I didn't want there to just be this major time skip where a lot happened. I also really didn't want to gloss over the fact that Bucky is back like, "oh yeah, Bucky is alive btw."
> 
> Thank you for just hanging in there with me. The main cannon divergence (not including Bucky's age) happens in the next two chapters.


	3. Chapter 3

After the river, the Soldier stole a car and went to a secure safe house. He killed the Hydra agents who had been there before him.

He stayed there for three days before his instincts told him to get out. It was only a matter of time before more agents showed up and he didn’t want to kill unless he had to.

Before fleeing the United States, he went to a museum. The man he had saved had said his name was James Buchanan Barnes but had only called him Bucky.

While at the museum he learned about James, he learned that they had the same face, and what his like had been like. He had learned the James had died. The Soldier had then felt as if he was falling. He heard screaming, his own screaming.

He saw pictures and videos of the man he had saved and other people. He saw pictures of James and a woman. They looked similar. The Soldier then had a series of almost memories. He saw the girl and the man but the man was different. In the flashes, the man was small but then he was large is one memory.

He went to see the woman before fleeing to Romania. She hadn’t seen him but he knew her and the same way he knew the man that he had saved. Upon seeing her he had another memory. They were young and it was late. He had just told her something that made her worry but he couldn’t remember what. He had promised not to tell anyone else and she had hugged him. He had felt safe in that memory before brought to the rooftop he was perched on to watch her.

He left the country that night.

It took two days in Romania before he ate for the first time since escaping Hydra. It wasn’t the longest he had gone without eating but it was one of the first times he remembered finding food himself.

He had been living in abandoned buildings or alleys so the food he had found was from a dumpster. It wasn’t the best but it was enough to keep him alive.

Slowly Bucky, he was having memories of being Bucky the longer he went without being wiped and the longer he was out of the ice so he started referring to himself as Bucky, began to relearn how to be human. He had been stealing clothes and breaking into places to bath before moving on.

He wasn’t positive who he used to be or he was but he did know that he wanted to kill Hydra. It took him a few days to recall to locations of various bases but one he was able to remember one, he was able to access the location of more. In a matter of a few weeks, he had crossed off nearly two dozen bases.

Bucky was aware the Steve, he remembered the man’s name was Steve Rogers and that he had known him before he became Captain America, was following him and trying to find him but he didn’t want to be found. Not yet, anyway. He still had more bases to take out.

He had also started keeping journals of his memories. He marked different memories with different colors. Memories with Steve were blue, Becca’s were yellow, both were green, and anything to do with Hydra was red. It worked and helped Bucky try to organize his scatted, broken memories.

After nearly a year spent between the US and Europe, Bucky let Steve catch up to him. He was fairly certain that he had most of his memories, fragmented as they were, but there was nothing else he could do on his own. Even with his memories, he didn’t feel human. He still felt like the asset many days. There was only so much of his humanity that he could get back on his own.

So, Bucky stayed in an apartment for two weeks before Steve finally caught up with him. Upon entering the apartment, after picking the lock, Steve froze. It was almost like he hadn’t expected to find Bucky.

“Bucky,” Steve asked carefully.

Bucky was sitting on the mattress that was in the corner of the room on the floor. “I can’t fix myself. I’ve tried, but I can’t do it on my own,” Bucky said. He hadn’t looked up when Steve entered.

He was just staring at his mismatched hands. He had memories of killing so many people with these hands.

“You don’t have to. I’ll help and the rest of the team will help. Becca will help,” Steve said and that got Bucky to look up.

“No. Not Becca, not yet. I don’t want her to see me until I’m me, until I’m human again,” Bucky said as he looked at Steve.

“Alright. You don’t have to see Becca until you’re ready. It took me a while before I saw her after they found me. Just let me help,” Steve said. He had been inching closer to Bucky with his hands never out of view. “Let me take you home.”

“Home,” Bucky repeated as if the word was foreign to him.

Steve offered his hand to help Bucky stand. Slowly, Bucky took it. Steve easily pulled Bucky up and then into a hug. “Let’s go home,” Steve said.

It didn’t take long for Bucky to collect his things from the apartment. He only had a handful of clothes that he had mostly stolen. The only important things where his journals that help his memories.

After he collected his meager belongings, Steve led him to a jet where three other people waited for them. Bucky knew two of them. They were the ones who had fought alongside Steve but Bucky didn’t know the third person.

The new person was a male with sandy blonde hair. He had a bow and arrows but his back was turned towards Bucky. He was talking to the woman with red hair. Natalia. He had helped train her.

“Holy shit,” the man that Bucky knew said. “You found him.”

Then, all three people were looking at him. He wanted to run, he had tried to kill at least two of the people staring at him, but Steve's presence at his side kept him from fleeing. Bucky didn’t know these people but Steve knew them. Bucky trusted Steve and if Steve trusted these people, that was enough for now.

“Take us home, Nat,” Steve said.

The flight was silent. The other blond man went to the cockpit with Natalia but the other man stayed near Steve and Bucky. “Sam Wilson,” he introduced himself. “We’ve met but were never introduced.”

“My name is Bucky.” Bucky said it almost uncertainly. He looked at Steve, as if waiting to be corrected, but Steve only smiled at him.

They were silent for the majority of the flight. “You’re going to have to go to medical when we get to the compound,” Steve said softly.

“I—“

“I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important. It will be like after Azzano, okay? I won’t leave your side,” Steve said and that quelled any protests Bucky had.

Once landing in upstate New York, Bucky did go to medical and Steve didn’t leave his side. Overall, Bucky was physically healthy. “He’s a little malnourished and dehydrated. It also seems like he hasn’t been sleeping much. Some consistent meals and a few good nights sleep and he should be right as rain,” the doctor said.

They didn’t stay long after that. “Are you hungry,” Steve asked once they had left medical. Bucky made a noncommittal shrug. His wants had been used against him by Hydra so he had stopped letting himself want or need anything. “Do you want something we used to eat or I could get you something we couldn’t have back then,” Steve tried.

Once again, Bucky made a noncommittal shrug. With no direction from Bucky, Steve went with both. He asked the chiefs that Tony paid a lot to live at the compound to make dishes from when they were young and moderns food. While they waited, Steve took Bucky to the collection of rooms he mainly called home.

“How about you shower and I’ll find you some clean clothes,” Steve said. Steve went to turn to find clothing for Bucky but a hand reached out and grabbed his wrist. Bucky looked at him with those scared eyes but said nothing. “Or I can stay with you.”

“Please,” Bucky said softly.

“Alright,” Steve said and guided Bucky to the bathroom. Steve turned on the shower and then turned to Bucky who was still fully dressed. Steve had seen Bucky completely naked on more than one occasion from the time they were both young until the night before Bucky fell. They didn’t have room for privacy on missions. They had all seen each other naked one multiple occasions. Now, Bucky was hesitating. “Do you want help?”

“Yes,” Bucky said.

Without any sudden movements, Steve helped Bucky out of all of his clothes. After Bucky was naked, he gently pulled at Steve’s own shirt. Hesitantly, Steve undressed as well but. Kept his underwear on. Bucky didn’t say anything.

They got into the shower together and Bucky mainly just stood there as Steve washed him. Bucky had, of course, showed himself but everything felt so much right now. He was safe. He could let himself be pulled into his head because some part of him knew that Steve would keep him safe.

When Bucky was clean, cleaner than he had been in months, Steve wrapped him in a robe and went to get them both clean clothes. Steve dressed before turning his full attention back to Bucky. Steve helped Bucky dry his hair but let him get dressed in privacy. Someone had knocked as Steve had been drying Bucky’s hair so Steve went to bring the food in.

Steve had brought three carts worth of food in and was setting the food on the table when Bucky silently appeared. They also ate without much said. After Steve encouraged Bucky to eat whatever he wanted and as much as he wanted, Bucky. had almost devoured half of the food. He liked the old dishes but he especially liked the assorted sweets and fresh fruit that they had never been able to have before the war.

The first night was rough. Bucky didn’t typically sleep through the night so he had snuck around the compound as Steve slept. Bucky learned that Steve apparently didn’t sleep through the night either had immediately known that Bucky was missing.

It had taken Steve ten minutes to find Bucky. Steve had apparently startled Bucky because as soon as he placed his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, he was being shoved to the wall with a metal hand at his throat. “Bucky, it’s me. You’re safe,” Steve gasped.

There was an almost blank look in Bucky’s eyes. It took a moment for Bucky to come back to himself. His eyes got that scared look in them and he ripped his hand away from Steve’s throat. Steve collapsed to the ground coughing once he could breathe again. Bucky pushed himself against the far side of the wall and he had big eyes.

Steve pushes himself to his feet and got closer to Bucky but Bucky flinched away. He sank down to the floor and curled in on himself. Steve sat down with his back resting on the opposite wall.

He watched for a moment as Bucky’s knees drew impossibly closer to his chest and his shoulders started to shake. Every instinct in him told him to reach out and wrap Bucky in his arms but he didn’t want to Bucky to involuntarily lash out and feel worse.

“I’m alright, Bucky. I’m okay,” he said again but it didn’t seem to do anything so Steve just started talking. “You know this isn’t the worst that’s been done to me. Remember back in 37’ when I got into that fight? I had a black eye, split lip, four bruised ribs, and a dislocated shoulder. God, you and Becca were ready to throttle me when I showed up at your apartment, half-conscious. You two worried over me for the next two hours.”

They sat there and Steve talked. Eventually, Bucky's shoulders stopped shaking but he still had a handful of hiccuped breaths every so often.

Sam was the first to stumble upon them. Steve glanced at him but kept talking to Bucky. Sam nodded and retreated slowly. No one else showed up so Steve could only assume that Sam told everyone else what was going on.

It wasn’t until around noon that Bucky slowly uncurled himself. “How did we meet,” he asked softly. His knees were still to his chest but his head was now resting on his knees instead of buried in them.

“We met when you were born. I was seven. You were the first baby I had ever held. I was best friends with Becca. Becca and I met before we could walk properly. We were inseparable. I’m pretty sure the neighborhood called us the Terrible Two until you joined us. I think we became the Triple Terrors when you were old enough to be with us.”

After a few more hours, Steve was able to coax Bucky back to his set of rooms. They had another large dinner together since neither of them had eaten before dinner. After dinner, Steve told Bucky more stories. Steve was honestly just rambling but Bucky seemed to be listening.

Bucky ended up falling asleep on the couch as Steve talked. Steve stayed with him through the night.

Bucky was at the compound for nearly a week before meeting any of the other Avengers. Bucky had mostly stayed in Steve’s rooms and only roamed at night. The first Avenger he met was Natalia, though he was informed that she now went by Natasha. They had had a short conversation in Russian before Bucky retreated back to Steve’s rooms.

The next he met was the man from the jet that had been in the cockpit. Although, he met the man again without Steve. It was the first person he had met without Steve right next to him. Clint was his name.

Bucky had been going around and looking at different vantage points and found Clint in one of them. He had items with him that made it seem like he spent a lot of time there. “Bucky,” he said and made a hand motion for him to join him. “You want to join me?”

“Uh,” Bucky said even as he started to move towards Clint.

They sat in silence for a while. Clint was messing with something and Bucky was staring at his hands. He flexed his metal fingers. They didn’t make noise. The arm was designed to be stealthy, to be able to make no noise so he could quietly kill someone before they even knew he was there.

“You’ll hear this a lot over the next couple of months, maybe years, but it wasn’t your fault,” Clint said without looking at Bucky.

Bucky didn’t look at Clint either when he responded. “I’ve killed so many. I remember their faces right before the life drained from their eyes. I remember not feeling anything about the fact that I had just taken someone’s life. I remember so many faces, dozens of them, but I still remember more almost every night, sometimes multiple at once. I don’t want to sleep because I don’t want to see another face that I don’t know. I can barely keep up with the faces I’ve seen once, I don’t know how to handle new ones. I’m the reason so many people have died.”

“You aren’t the reason. Hydra is and they forced you to do all of those things. You had no choice if you wanted to survive,” Clint said as he finally looked at Bucky.

“I wish I had died when I fell,” Bucky said softly. The only reason Clint understood was because he read Bucky’s lips. “I wish I had just died.”

“I understand that. This may not make you feel better but I understand how you feel. A few years ago, there was an alien invasion, I don’t know if you know or not, but there was this one. He was the one in charge. It was Thor’s brother, Loki. He had this staff thing. If it touched your chest, he had complete control over you. He had control over me. Because of him, I killed people I knew, people I considered friends. I almost killed Natasha.

It took me a long time to work through everything and Loki only had control over me for a few days. You were trapped in your own mind for years, decades. The fact that you fought against Hydra and freed yourself, and the fact that you have survived all that you have, is impressive. The shit that you’ll have to deal with mentally is going to be hard but you won’t have to go about it on your own,” Clint said.

They lapsed back into silence for another period of time. “How did you do it? How did you cope?”

“It wasn’t easy. I tried fighting the storm of emotions I felt on my own and I would have drowned in them if I hadn’t accepted help from those around me, my friends. You have to let people help you,” Clint said. “How old are you, kid?”

“I think I’m ninety,” Bucky said.

“Frozen doesn’t count,” Clint said.

“I was nineteen when I fell. Hydra never kept me out of the ice long. I guess twenty or twenty-one,” Bucky said with a look on concentration.

Clint made a humming sound of acknowledgment. “Damn. You’re the youngest here, not counting the kid Tony brings to train every other weekend. Even the twins are older,” Clint said.

“I don’t know how to let people help me. I’m not sure I’m worth helping at all,” Bucky said after another stretch of silence.

“Steve wants to help. You only have to let him.” There was a pause. “I have nests set up around the compound. They’re out of the way and they’re good vantage points. Feel free to make them your own as well.” Clint left not long after that. Bucky stayed there for a while before returning to Steve’s rooms.

Over the course of the next couple of days, Steve slowly introduced Bucky to everyone. They were all nice to him. They all looked worried about him. Steve gave a brief description of them and how they joined the team to Bucky.

According to Steve, there were six original Avengers (Natasha, Clint, Bruce, Tony, Steve, and Thor) but they kept finding advanced individuals and basically offering them a home. Next to join was Sam. The twins that Clint had mentioned were Pietro and Wanda Maximoff.

Both of them are enhanced. She does something with her mind and can fuck with other people’s heads and he’s fast. They joined the team between the time Shield fell and Steve found Bucky. They’re twenty-four but had originally volunteered for Hydra’s experiments when they were eighteen because they blamed Tony for the death of their parents. They realized what exactly Hydra was and joined the Avengers not long after.

There was also Vision. He confused Bucky. From Bucky’s understanding, Vision joined the team (was born??) around the time the twins showed up. He was brought to life by a magic space stone that had been inside of Loki’s staff. Bucky’s head hurt enough trying to remember his own life without trying to wrap his heard around Vision so he just accepted that Vision was basically an indestructible human with weird powers that they really didn’t understand and moved on.

Then there was the other kid that Clint had mentioned. He was fifteen and had apparently been bitten by a radioactive spider and got powers. Tony let him be an Avenger in training so he didn’t get himself killed.

There were also other enhanced individuals that showed up on other occasions. A man and woman who could shrink to the size of insects, a wizard (because those are apparently real in the future), the king and princess of Wakanda, Fury and whatever stray he brings to join the Avengers.

“I think I killed Howard and his wife,” Bucky had confessed to Steve the night after he had met Tony.

“You did. He knows. Natasha dumped all of Hydra’s secrets onto the internet. He was really upset when he found out but Natasha and Clint somehow got him to calm down and see that it was Hydra who killed them, not you,” Steve had said and they didn’t talk about it again.

“I’m sorry about your parents,” Bucky had said softly as Tony worked on his arm for the first time of what would become many times.

Tony had grunted and nothing else had been said. Bucky didn’t bring it up to either of them again.

•••

Something had changed, shifted slightly, and Steve didn’t know exactly how to respond or react. He didn’t even know what exactly had caused the shift.

Over the course of a few weeks, Bucky had become almost distant. Steve had thought that he had been imagining it at first but no, Bucky had been distancing himself from Steve. He felt like he was lost. He felt like he would do better if he simply knew what had happened but he was at a dead end.

Suddenly, Bucky had just started distancing himself from Steve. At first, Steve had worried that Bucky was drawing into himself and cutting everyone out but that wasn’t the case. Bucky seemed closer than ever with the other Avengers. He had bonded with them over the course of his time at the compound.

Bucky, Sam, and Clint had been spending a lot of time together as they helped Bucky work through how to regain control after having none for so long. Natasha and Bucky had taken to sparing a lot and they tended to talk in various languages, mostly Russian since it was Natasha’s mother tongue. Bucky liked spending time in Tony or Bruce’s lab. He had always loved science. He also liked hearing Thor’s tales of the various worlds.

Wanda and Pietro had basically adopted him as a brother and the three were rarely far from each other (Steve would never admit it but he felt like he and Becca were being replaced by them). They had even helped give him a more modern makeover. Peter has devoted a portion of every time he was at the compound to helping Bucky catch up on pop culture. He even seemed to be close with T’Challa and Shuri when they occasionally visited.

Steve was almost comforted by the fact that Bucky seemed to also keep his distance from Vision but he had never exactly warmed up to Vision. Steve wasn’t sure where he now fit. At first, Bucky had almost never wanted to leave Steve’s side but now he was almost always anywhere else.

The real punch to the gut came when Bucky went to see Becca. Steve was glad that Bucky was finally going to see Becca but he had specifically asked Steve not to come. “I just want to see her alone. I haven’t seen my big sister in over half a century,” Bucky had said with a slight smile. He had gone to mess with his hair, a habit he had picked up after getting it cut. It was shorter than it had been but longer than the army would have ever let him have it.

“Oh, okay,” Steve had simply said. “Tell her hello for me.”

“Sure thing, Stevie,” Bucky said. He gave Steve a hug and then had left for the city. While Bucky still didn’t do well with surprise contact, he had come to love physical contact from people he trusted. He especially loved it when Natasha, Wanda, or Pietro played with his hair. Bucky had also started calling him Stevie right before he started to distance himself from Steve.

Bucky went to the city alone but paused once he got to Becca’s apartment building. He hadn’t doubted himself for a few weeks but now he was. What if Becca did think he was still the monster that Hydra had made him? He didn’t know if he could handle her rejecting him.

He parked the car that Tony had loaned him and forced himself to enter the building. He took the stairs instead of the elevator to burn off some energy. He got to the door but stalled again. He wanted to turn and run and never show up again but he also wanted his big sister. He had been wanting to see her for a while but now she had answers about him that he wasn’t sure anyone else had.

He forced himself to knock. “One moment,” came Becca’s voice. Her voice sounded as it did in Bucky’s memories. Bucky waited, forcing his feet to stay put. He heard a gasp when the door finally opened. “James,” Becca said and then he was being pulled towards her and into her arms.

For the first time in a long time, he let himself cry as he held Becca. She didn’t look the same. She was older now but she was still his big sister. Her eyes, smile, and soul were still the same. “James, you came home.”

“Someone has to keep you in line. Can’t have you stirring up too much trouble on your own,” he said. They had always gotten each other in and out of trouble before the war.

Becca eventually released Bucky and pulled him inside. Becca got them something to drink before they sat on the couch together. “I can’t believe you’re alive,” she said with a watery smile. “I got the news about you and nearly the next day the country was grieving Steve. They forgot to grieve you too, Bucky, but we didn’t.”

“Becca, I-I’m not the same as I was before. I’m still me most of the time but what Hydra did, they made me into a monster,” Bucky said honestly.

“You are not a monster and I will not have you talk about yourself like that, do you understand me,” she said sternly. He felt like she had just caught him trying a cigarette for the first time when he was fifteen. She had chewed him out about it for the weeks following.

“Yes,” Bucky said.

“Even if you were, which you’re not, it wouldn’t matter much to me. I told you so long ago that I would always love you, no matter what, and I have,” she said.

“I remember you telling me that,” Bucky said with his own weak smile. “My memory isn’t the best. Things are fragmented and I’m still trying to remember everything but I remember you telling me that. I was thirteen.”

“I know Ma and Pa weren’t around a lot when we were growing up but they loved you. We all did,” she said as she grasped both of his hands.

“I know that we’re all that’s left but I don’t know what happened,” he confessed.

“Ma and Pa both died of old age. Ma died first and Pa a few weeks later. It was like they couldn’t live without the other.  
Marian died giving birth to her second baby and Martha passed away in her fifties from cancer. We aren’t all that’s left though. They both had children and I had two of my own. We still have family, Bucky,” she said.

“Tell me about them? My nieces and nephews?”

“They’re all grown now but they still take time to visit me. Some even have children of their own. Martha had two girls and Marian had a girl and a boy. I had a son and daughter myself. Marian’s husband died of sickness before their boy was born. I took the two in. They were young, so much younger than my own, but I had raised two kids before and I could do it again. Martha’s husband left her and the girls when she got sick. They’re about the same age as Marian’s, teenagers at the time, so I took them too after Martha passed. They all come visit me when they can even though some travel for work,” she said with a smile.

“I missed it all,” Bucky said sadly.

“Not all. The oldest of the lot, my son James Grant, his oldest daughter is about to have her first baby, a girl if I’m not mistaken. You missed a lot but there are still important things that have yet to happen. During the holidays, come home and be with the family, our family,” she said and Bucky agreed. He would have agreed to anything she said.

They talked for a long time. Becca even pulled out photo albums to show Bucky everyone. She even showed him photos from before the war. She had pictures of them, Steve, Marian, and Martha at the Stark Expo the night before he shipped out. They damn near pissed themselves when she found a first edition of the first Captain America comic that Bucky’s character appeared in.

She and Charles, her husband, invited Bucky to stay for dinner and the night. He happily accepted. Later that night, after Charles had gone to bed, they were talking about before the war.

“The three of us were always inseparable,” Becca said as she finished a story.

“I used to think that you two would get married someday,” Bucky admitting.

“Oh, no. I love Steve the same way I love you. He and I would have never worked romantically,” she said with a small laugh.

“I loved him, didn’t I,” Bucky asked quietly.

“I believe so but only you can truly answer that, Bucky,” she said.

“I think I’ve always loved him,” Bucky said.

“It’s okay if you have and it’s okay if you still love him. Times have changed, people and laws have changed. If you choose to be with a man, Steve or someone else, you won’t have to hide. You can even get married if you choose,” she said.

“I love you, Becca. No one could ask for a better sister than you,” he said.

“I love you too, Bucky. Always,” she said before retiring to bed herself.

Bucky ended up staying until the following week but he did everything that Becca would let him so he didn’t feel like he was freeloading. “You are always welcome here, Bucky,” Becca said as she saw him off.

“I’ll be back for the holidays at the latest,” Bucky promised.

“Good. Give Steve my regards. Tell him that he’s still no doubt a pain in the ass,” she said as Bucky climbed into the car.

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you too, Bucky,” she said before he pulled away and started back towards the compound.

He took his time as he drove back and he took time to think. Sure, he had been with other guys before and during the war but it had always been Steve who he had longed for, Steve who he had loved before he had even known what that kind of love was.

Ever since he remembered the love he had felt for Steve, he had had to take a step back from him. Somehow after nearly a century of being tortured, frozen, and brainwashed Bucky still loved Steve. As Bucky thought about it, he had the sneaking suspicion that that love is what finally gave him the strength to break free of all that Hydra had done to his head.

Bucky would always owe Steve for the second chance he had helped him attain but maybe it was also time to let go. Steve, and everyone else, was always telling him that he deserved to be happy but maybe he just wasn’t meant to be happy with Steve.

It was a new century, a new start, maybe he could find someone to be happy with. Maybe he should get an apartment in the city for weekends. It would give him a chance to get space from Steve, maybe find someone he could be happy with, and he would be closer to Becca. He would think about it but the more he thought about it, the more he had to admit that it might be good for him.

Bucky didn’t mention that he was thinking about getting an apartment to anyone except for Tony when he decided that he was going to do it. He had simply asked Tony to help him look for an apartment but Tony had waved him off saying, “I’ll handle everything. I own a few apartments throughout the city that I never stay at. You can have your choice. They’re all fully furnished but make whichever one you want home.”

“I don’t think I can afford the apartments you seem to like,” Bucky pointed out.

“You can have one and money isn’t something you or Cap need to worry about any time soon. You especially. You do know that you got half of all of Hydra’s money, right? There’s also the back pay for pension,” Tony said absently.

“Half,” Bucky echoed. He hadn’t actually known that. Everyone had just assumed him that he would never have to worry about money. He assumed that was because of Tony but know he wasn’t too sure. “How much even is that?”

“A couple hundred million. You still aren’t as right as me though,” Tony said as if he hadn’t just rocked Bucky’s world. He continued on without a second thought. “There are different varieties. Some are good for a lot of people while I used others to hide from Pepper and Rhodey when I was on a bender. I think there may actually be one close to Brooklyn. You can buy it from me at a good price then there won’t be that pesky rent to deal with if you won’t let me just give it to you. Friday, give Buckaroo access to all property records in the city.”

“How much money do I have,” Bucky asked again.

“Friday, also give Bucky a rundown on his own financial standing,” Tony said.

Bucky spent the rest of that night trying to wrap his head around all the money he now had and looking at Tony’s alarmingly high number of apartments in the city. He did have one close to Brooklyn that Bucky bought from him and it didn’t even put a dent in his account.

The next day Bucky went to Pepper to help him. He didn’t know what to do with all this money, he would never use most of it. She helped him make to where a few handful of charities got sizable donations every month and then helped him set a will, which seemed morbid but she assured him that it was necessary in the line of work that the Avengers did. He left most everything to Bucky and the rest of his now larger family but he also split the rest between the Avengers with Steve getting just a little more.

“You most likely won’t have to worry about it for a long time but legal battles over money tend to get messy. Wills help make it less messy,” she lightly explained.

Pepper also helped him sell or donate all the furniture from his new apartment and buy new furniture. He didn’t tell anyone other than Pepper and Tony about the apartment until the first weekend he decided to spend there.

Everyone had been surprised but happy for Bucky. They saw it as Bucky embracing the world more and not hiding himself away. He explained that it was mainly for weekends so he could see Becca and that he would still spend most of his time at the compound but anyone was welcome to visit as long as they told him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky pulls away, Steve pulls him back. They both have love confessions and they finally get together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done! 
> 
> I am so sorry the final part took so long but shit's been happening but the usual thanks to my amazing best friends who have kept my grounded and mostly sane.

It had been a few months since Bucky got his own apartment. Steve was happy for him, he had even been to the apartment with Bucky, but he couldn’t help but feel like Bucky was trying to get away from him.

One night while Bucky was in the city, Steve’s head couldn’t take it. If he had fucked up, he wanted to know so he could fix it. He tried to call Bucky to tell him that he was heading to the apartment but he didn’t answer so Steve didn’t leave a message.

He got to Bucky’s apartment close to midnight. Steve was able to make it into the building with no problem, being able to get in with someone else. He made his way to Bucky's apartment and knocked. “Who is it,” a voice Steve didn’t recognize asked.

“I have no clue,” Bucky’s voice answered. Steve wouldn’t have been able to hear if not for his enhanced hearing.

“Do you want me to go look,” the other voice asked.

“I want you to keep fucking me,” Bucky’s voice replied and Steve went red.

Shit, Bucky was with someone and Steve had knocked on the door. He was so focused on freaking out internally that he had missed someone walking to the door and opening it. “Buck, I think it’s important. Captain America is at your door,” the voice, a male with blue eyes and dirty blond hair Steve noted, called. He was mostly naked but looking at Steve with wipe eyes.

Steve heard Bucky curse and then he was there in only sweats that hung far too low to be decent. Steve was so embarrassed that it took him a moment to notice Bucky’s left arm. It looked like his right one. Bucky noticed Steve staring and shifted so his arm was almost out of sight. “Leo, I’m so sorry to do this but…”

Bucky’s words died off but the man, Leo, got the message and retreated. He reappeared a moment later, mostly dressed, to find the two still standing more or less where they had been when he left. “Call me when you get the chance,” Leo said and quickly kissed Bucky before scurrying away with only one shoe on and his shirt inside out.

“I’m—“

“Do I want to hear it,” Bucky said, cutting Steve’s apology off. “I had one request. It wasn’t even a hard one. I just wanted to know beforehand before someone showed up at my door.”

“I tried to call,” Steve said. He at least looked guilty.

“And as you found out, I was busy,” Bucky said. He wasn’t happy but he did finally move to let Steve enter the apartment. That was also when Steve remembered the arm.

“Tony made it. It’s similar to the facial mesh,” Bucky explained as he tapped something, and then his arm was metal again. “So, what was so important, Steve?”

“I, what did I do? I’m sorry for what it was but I don’t know. Tell me and I can try and fix it,” Steve said pleadingly.

“What are you talking about, Steve,” Bucky simply asked and he sounded almost wary.

“You’ve been pulling away from me and I don’t know what I did. It’s not that I’m not glad that you’re friends with the rest of the team, I am, but I don’t know. One minute we were good and then we weren’t. Let me fix it, please, Buck.”

Steve hadn’t realized they had gotten closer until he was being pushed back. The force and the surprise of being pushed actually caused Steve to stumble back. “You can’t fix this, Steve, just like how you can’t fix me.”

“But you aren’t—“

“I’m not what? Broken,” Bucky asked with an almost sob of a laugh. “Yes, I am. I’m so broken most people don’t even notice but you do, even if you won’t admit it to yourself. You look at me different. You sometimes treat me like I just might shatter if you say the wrong thing.” Bucky was striding toward Steve again and pushing him again. “I still have the nightmares and you want to know what I see?”

“Buck,” Steve tried but Bucky ignored him.

“I see the faces of the people I murdered. I see so many faces, hundreds if those files are right, and I see your face and I see Becca’s face. I see blood on my hands every time I go near Becca. I see your face as I was about to beat you to death. I see your face on the bridge. Some nights I wake up not knowing where I am, barely remembering who I am, but I always remember your face,” Bucky said loudly. “I am broken beyond repair and that’s how you’ll always see me. I’ve never just been me to you. I’ve always been Becca’s baby brother and now I’m a broken relic from the past that you’re trying to save.”

“That’s not true,” Steve finally shouted back.

“Then what am I,” Bucky yelled back.

“You’re someone I care about,” Steve yelled. The silence that rang was almost deafening.

“And that’s the problem,” Bucky finally whispered as if all the fight had suddenly left him.

“I—I don’t understand.”

“You saw who I was just with. Don’t you have anything to say about that, about him, about me? Would you still care about me if your knew me as much as you think you do,” Bucky shot back.

“I don’t care who you sleep with, Bucky. I’ve known about the guys since the war.”

“Don’t you think that Leo looks familiar,” Bucky pushed.

“I don’t—“

“I’ve come to realize I have a type no matter how hard I try to break the mold. I always seem to pick a guy with blue eyes and blond hair. I told myself I didn’t have a type because it didn’t matter to me if they were as big as me or a foot shorter but then I went back to the mold. It didn’t matter to me when you were small and could barely breathe and it didn’t matter that you were tall and built like a fucking wall,” Bucky said.

“I don’t—“

“Understand? Let me spell it out clear as day then. I love you. I’ve loved you since I was thirteen. I loved you before I knew what love was but don’t worry. I know you don’t love me, at least not like that. I’m just Becca’s little brother, right? You love women like Peggy Carter and how can someone as broken as me compare to someone like her,” Bucky asked and he sounded defeated.

“Bucky,” Steve said and then stopped. He didn’t know what to say but Bucky must have taken the silence as rejection because he pushed past a stunned Steve, grabbed his keys and a jacket before leaving. It took Steve a minute to realize that Bucky had wanted away from him so badly that he had left without shoes.

Steve just stood there for a long time. After all the yelling, the silence hung heavy in the air. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. Part of him wanted to go after Bucky but the rest of him told him to stay put. He stayed there, his mind screaming a thousand different things at him until a clear voice cut through. He heard Peggy. ‘ _Sometimes the best we can do is start over_.’

Maybe he had been living in the past and seeing Bucky for who he used to be without seeing who he was now. Without thinking much, Steve grabbed the key that was sitting on the table next to the door and left. He went to the store to get a few things before returning. Bucky still wasn’t there and Steve was almost grateful. He had been in the apartment enough to know where everything that he needed was so he set to work.

Bucky was gone for a little more than an hour before returning to his apartment smelling like food. He was shocked when he found Steve still in his apartment. “I thought you would have run for the hills,” Bucky said with his arms crossed.

“We need to talk and don’t give me your look,” Steve said from the stove.

“I have a look,” Bucky questioned.

“Yeah. You always have. I think I almost cried when you made it the first time at the compound. You look like you smell something bad but you don’t know what it is or where it’s coming from but that’s not the point. The table is set and the food is almost done. I didn’t know what you would want to drink though,” Steve said as he stirred.

“Look, if this is some plan you have to try to let me down easy, you don’t have to. I get it,” Bucky said without moving.

“Just get something to drink and sit. If that was what this is, which it isn’t, we would still need to talk.”

Bucky did as he was told and neither talked again until Steve placed food in front of him and then sat across from him with his own food.

“You made me dinner,” Bucky questioned even though it was nearing two in the morning.

“Yes. I know that food is one thing that you’ve never been able to resist,” Steve said with a smile.

They ate in silence for a while as they stole glances of the other. Steve was the first to break the silence which wasn’t a surprise. Bucky had been the best sniper in the army (and then in the world) after all.

“You were wrong,” Steve finally said. “You aren’t broken and you’re more than just Becca’s brother.”

“I am broken,” Bucky insisted.

“Then can we see if our broken pieces fit together,” Steve asks.

“What,” Bucky asked with wide eyes.

“You aren’t the only broken person on the team. Wanda and Pietro saw their parents die and where trapped in the rubble for two days. Tony was captured and tortured for three months before escaping. At one point Bruce tried to kill himself only for the Hulk to spit out the bullet. Natasha was in the Red Room and that still haunts her now. Clint had Loki.

Stephen Strange was in a car crash and lost everything he thought mattered before becoming Sorcerer Supreme. Peter has lost both of his parents and his uncle. T’Challa had the weight of a nation thrust on his shoulders after his father was murdered. I lost you and had expected to die before waking up in a new century alone,” Steve said.

“You—“ Bucky said and then stopped because he didn’t know what to say.

“I’m not comparing anyone’s trauma to yours or yours to theirs. All I’m trying to say is that we are all some level of broken,” Steve explained.

“You said you wanted—“

Bucky couldn’t bring himself to say it because it was more than he could hope for. He felt like he was back under Hydra. He felt like he had something almost within his reach only for it to be ripped away from him and then used to torment him. He needed Steve to tell him what he could have.

“The first time I saw you with another guy was after Azzano. It’s was near the edge of the camp. I forced myself to leave when I saw you got on your knees and that was the first time I saw you as more than just Becca’s little brother. Then during the war, you would disappear and show up with bruises the next morning and all I could think about was who you had been with,” Steve said.

He waited for Bucky to say something but he didn’t do Steve continued. “I have a type too. I apparently have a thing for mouthy brunettes who are a pain in my ass. I mean, Becca was my best friend and I did love Peggy but I seem to keep collecting them. Tony, Peter, and Stephen to name a few in this century.” He paused again.

“I wasn’t as brave as you. I never could get up the courage to fool around with another guy before I woke up. The first guy I brought home was a brunette with these pale blue eyes. I didn’t know when we decided to go home together but his name was James too.”

“What are you saying, Steve? I need you to tell me,” Bucky said quietly.

The food had been forgotten and had gone cold. “I want to give this a try. I want to give us a try.”

“You have to be sure about this, Steve. I can’t handle being an experiment for you. I can’t. If you aren’t sure about this, let me go. Let me try to find happiness with Leo or someone else. If you really want this, me, it’s yours but you have to be sure,” Bucky said as he looked directly at Steve.

Instead of a verbal response, Steve stood and walked over to Bucky and kissed him. It wasn’t a great kiss. The angle was odd. Bucky was still sitting in a chair not designed to support their combined weight and Steve was leaning down to kiss him while trying not to put his weight on the chair. Even though the kiss wasn’t great, it was perfect.

Eventually, too soon if you asked Bucky, Steve pulled away. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more sure of anything in a long time,” Steve said softly.

“I want you to fuck me,” Bucky said bluntly after a moment.

“Isn’t it a little soon? I had planned on taking you out and treating you right.”

“I’ve wanted this since I was fifteen. If you want to wait, we can wait but it’s not too soon for me.”

Steve kissed Bucky again and only pulled away when the chair made an ominous creaking sound. Steve quickly shot up and Bucky slowly followed. Bucky took Steve’s hands in his own and led him back to the master bedroom.

When they kissed again and Bucky would only be being a little dramatic if he said the stars aligned and there were fireworks. “You said the first time you really saw me was when I was getting on my knees? Want me to show you what the other guy experience back the? Now might be better since I’ve had more practice since then,” Bucky practically purred in Steve’s ear.

He slowly sank down to his knees in front of Steve. He popped the bottom of Steve’s jeans with his hand but then unzipped the jeans with his teeth. “Where did you learn how to do that,” Steve asked almost breathlessly.

“The internet is a wonderful thing,” Bucky simply said before he was pushing Steve’s jeans and boxers down.

It had been what felt like forever since Bucky last saw Steve’s lower half without any clothes. The last time Bucky had seen Steve’s dick had probably been back in the war and Bucky was certain that he had never seen Steve hard before. Bucky wanted to stop and admire Steve. Every part of him had been scientifically engineered to be perfect and, while Bucky would believe that Steve had been perfect before the serum and would until he went to his grave (for real), he was.

“Hey, we don’t have to do anything,” Steve softly said and one hand brushed against Bucky’s cheek. He had apparently been still for too long since Steve now thought he was having second thoughts.

“But I want to,” Bucky said before closing his lips around the head of Steve’s dick.

The reaction was instant, much to Bucky’s delight. Steve groaned loudly and his hips stuttered forward when Bucky took more of him into his mouth. When Steve’s hand made its way to Bucky’s hair but then sat there, Bucky got a little frustrating and put more into his effort. When he still didn’t get the response he wanted, Bucky pulled off of Steve with a soft pop. “You can pull my hair,” Bucky simply said as he looked up at Steve through his lashes.

“Huh,” Steve asked a little stupidly and Bucky felt a pride swell in his chest. He had done that to Steve, Captain America, his Steve.

“You can rough me up, I can take it. Pull my hair. Fuck my throat. Whatever you want, it’s yours, Steve.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Buck,” Steve said softly.

“Have you ever let go since the serum, just let yourself have what you want? I haven’t. I haven’t found anyone who can give me what I want and I don’t think you’ve found someone who can take what you want to give but I can. I want to. I want you to give me all that you’ve got. I want you to fuck my throat, pull my hair, rough me up, hold me down, and make me fucking feel it, Stevie,” Bucky as he kissed Steve’s hips and thighs.

“You’re going to be the death of me, Buck.”

“Hopefully not before you fuck me,” Bucky said cheekily before returning his mouth to Steve’s dick.

Slowly, Steve started to move his hips but not hard enough for Bucky’s liking. He guided Steve’s other hand to his hair before moving both of his hands to Steve’s ass and harshly pulled him closer so Steve’s dick was then in the back of his throat. When the tip of his dick hit the back of Bucky’s throat, Steve’s hands tightened in Bucky’s hair and then Bucky was moaning around his dick.

“Tap my thigh if you need or want me to stop,” Steve said and got a hummed response before he pulled out until only the tip was left between Bucky’s lips and then he was pushing back in completely and Bucky’s throat relaxed to let him in until his nose was to Steve’s pelvis.

Steve cursed softly before he was repeating the action over and over and over until tears started to gather in Bucky’s eyes and presser started to build in Steve’s stomach. He let himself get right to the edge before pulling Bucky of by his hair and earning a whine in return.

“Shh, you still want me to fuck you, don’t you,” Steve asked with a teasing edge in his voice but Bucky saw in his eyes that he could still tap out at any point if he wanted or needed to.

“Yeah, yes. Please, Stevie,” Bucky gasped as he rested his head on Steve’s hip. Steve let him breathe as he gently carted his fingers through his short hair. Steve loved his hair. It was a mix between the short hair he had before the war and the long hair he had had before reclaiming it, just like he was. He wasn’t who he had been for the war and he wasn’t the Winter Soldier but they were both a part of him.

When he finally pulled himself out of his thoughts he found Bucky still resting his head on Steve’s hip. “You should have been a cat,” Steve muttered softly and got a low hum, which sounded suspiciously like purring, in response.

Steve placed his hand under Bucky’s chin and lifted it so that they made eye contact. Then he’s pulling Bucky to his feet. Once Bucky gets his feet under him and he’s standing on his own, Steve slid his hands under the jacket Bucky had thrown on before leaving and then he was pushing it up and over Bucky’s head. After the jacket was off, Steve pushed Bucky hard enough to have him tumbling onto the bed behind them.

Not wasting any time, Steve was on the bed right after him and pushing Bucky’s sweats down to find that he didn’t have underwear on. “Wait, your shirt,” Bucky said as he tried to get his hands under Steve’s shirt. Steve leaned back and stripped his shirt off and threw Bucky’s sweats somewhere behind him so that they were both naked.

“Where are your lube and condoms,” Steve asked.

“Top drawer of the nightstand but do we really need condoms? I’m clean, I don’t let people fuck me without a condom and even if I did, we both have super-soldier serum coursing through our views to help us heal. Can we even get sexually transmitted diseases?”

“I’m not sure but I get your point. No condom if you’re sure,” Steve said as he reached for the lube.

“I’m so sure. I can’t wait to have all of you in me. God, it’s been so fucking long since I’ve had someone’s cum in me,” Bucky said wistfully and that got a low rumble of possessiveness from Steve.

Without much thought, Steve was forcefully pressing his lips to Bucky’s and biting his lower lip harder than he normally would be he quickly decided that it was worth it when Bucky made a beautiful, high pitched noise. While Bucky’s mouth was open, Steve was pushing his tongue into Bucky’s mouth and Bucky let him. God, Bucky was making the most beautiful sounds and Steve was swallowing them possessively.

Just as quickly the kiss had started, it was over and Steve’s mouth was on Bucky’s neck. “Wait,” Bucky said quickly and Steve immediately stopped. “No visible bruises. I see Becca tomorrow.”

With that clarified, Steve waited a moment more before kissing Bucky’s neck again but making sure not to leave bruises until he got to Bucky’s chest. Once he got to Bucky’s chest, he took his time littering it with bruises.

“Come on, Stevie, we aren’t exactly getting any younger,” Bucky breathlessly teased.

Bucky could practically feel Steve roll his eyes. Taking the hint, Steve finally left Bucky’s chest alone and then coated his fingers in lube before carefully pressing one finger to Bucky’s rim only to be met with no resistance with the first or second finger.

“You’re still fucking loose from Leo,” Steve growled.

“If he already did all the work, why aren’t you fucking me yet? Should I call him and ask him to finish what you interrupted early? Finish what you aren’t right now,” Bucky goaded. He wouldn’t have pegged Steve as possessive before tonight but he could it so fucking hot and he couldn’t help pressing Steve’s buttons.

“You little brat,” Steve muttered.

“You have absolutely no idea how right you are, Stevie,” Bucky said before leaning up and nipping at Steve’s next. “So are you going to fuck me or should I call Leo?”

“I’m going to fuck you hard enough to make you forget about him or anyone else,” Steve rumbled before positioning himself at Bucky’s rim.

Even with the threat of a hard fucking, Steve still was careful and waited for Bucky’s okay before pulling out and pushing but in roughly.

Bucky wrapped his legs around Steve’s hips as Steve’s started to pick up the speed. Bucky had his nails digging into Steve’s back and Steve wouldn’t be surprised if he actually drew blood, not that he minded.

“Stevie, right there. Fuck. Right there,” Bucky practically screamed when Steve hammered into his prostate. Once he found that angle, he made sure to hit it with almost every thrust. “Close. Oh, fuck. I’m so close.” At that Steve reared down to stroke Bucky’s dick but his hand was knocked away. “I can cum untouched. Don’t you want to see that?”

Was Bucky fucking with him? Who wouldn’t want to see that? “Yeah, Doll, I want to see you cum on just my dick,” Steve panted. He was getting close too.

It wasn’t long until Steve felt the pressure in his stomach build until he was cumming but he didn’t stop and then Bucky was clenching down around him and cumming over his own chest. Steve fucked Bucky through both of their orgasms until he carefully pulled out and then collapsed next to Bucky.

“That was the best sex I’ve ever had. I can finally die happy,” Bucky muttered and Steve just snorted in what was definitely not an attractive manner but neither of them cared. They both just laid there in the comfortable silence until Steve made a move to get up only for Bucky’s instincts to kick in and then he was grabbing Steve’s arm. “Where are you going?”

Steve couldn’t, wouldn’t, leave him after fucking him. Would he? God, Bucky was about to start spiraling. Bucky had told Steve that he had to be sure about this beforehand. He had told Steve that he couldn’t handle this not being real. He had told Steve to let him go if he wasn’t sure. Steve would do this to him, would he? He wouldn’t hurt Bucky, not like this.  
“Hey, I was going to get a washcloth to clean you off. We kind of made a mess,” Steve said lightly.

“Don’t go. We can get cleaned up later. Please don’t leave me,” Bucky said with pleading eyes.

Without any hesitation, Steve was pulling Bucky to a standing position before pushing the covers down and crawling back into the bed with Bucky plastered to his side. He carefully ran his fingers through Bucky’s hair as he watched Bucky drift off to sleep. Once Bucky was asleep in his arms, Steve let himself also drift off to sleep.

•••

Bucky saw Becca the next morning and she just knew after one look. “So is it Steve or has some other boy claimed your heart after all these years,” she had asked upon seeing him.

He had blushed, ducked his head, and then said, “Steve.” She hadn’t pushed but Bucky told her about the confrontation and then the dinner but she had smirked knowingly at him.

Steve and Bucky ended up spending two weeks in the city. They weren’t ready for everyone else to know just yet. They had wanted time just to themselves to try to figure everything, or at least major things, out. Bucky told Steve about his thing with Leo. They were acquaintances who fucked but when Bucky was in the city but they weren’t together or exclusive so he hadn’t cheated with Steve.

Bucky had kept his word about calling Leo in the morning and had come completely clean about who exactly he was and the fact that he and Steve now had something new. Leo had been surprisingly okay with everything and they had decided actually get to know each other and hopefully become friends.

Bucky had hesitantly asked Steve about that but Steve had just shrugged. “As long as he doesn’t fuck you while we’re together and he makes you happy. It’s healthy to find friends outside of the team. My last friend outside of the team joined the fucking team,” Steve said with a roll of his eyes.

During their last night in the city, Steve had taken Bucky dancing, the kind of dancing they he done before the war. “I know it’s stupidly early to say this even though I waited over a century to say it and you already know but I love you. It’s always been you no matter who I was with, it has always been,” Bucky said as they were heading back to his apartment.

“I love you too, Bucky. Finding you in this century, even with all the shit it entailed, was one of the best fucking things I could have ever asked for. I hate what happened to you but I’m so glad that you’re here, with me and the rest of the team,” Steve said as he pulled Bucky into a kiss that left Bucky breathless.

Bucky would be okay if all of Steve’s kisses left him breathless until the end of the line.

Unfortunately, they couldn’t just hide from the team in the city for the rest of their relationship. They went back to the compound where Bucky was immediately swarmed by Wanda and Pietro before being whisked away so they could do some activity that they had been dying to do with him.

Once the three youngest Avengers (Peter doesn’t count because he’s not a full-time Avenger) left, the original six and Sam were ready to pounce.

“Going for the younger guys now, Steve? What will Fox News say,” Tony teased.

“Tony,” Steve whined. “He’s not that much younger than me. Not really. He’s older than all of you.”

“Ice doesn’t count, Cap. Basically robbing the cradle,” Clint snickered.

The age difference hadn’t bothered either of them when they were in the city but maybe his teammates had a point. Bucky was seven years younger than him and that wasn’t counting the time Steve had spent out of the ice before Bucky was free. Maybe he should have played it differently and let Bucky go and thing someone else.

“In all seriousness, we are all happy for you,” Sam said with a smile.

“Both of you,” Natasha added.

Steve eased. It had been harmless teasing. Steve had logically known but it was good to have a confirmation. “Thank you. We are happy,” Steve finally said. The teasing would probably never stop, they were a family after all and families embarrass each other, and Steve found that he was okay with that.

Steve didn’t end up seeing Bucky again until after dinner. Wanda and Pietro had whisked him away to get all the details that Bucky would give and had eaten dinner in the twins’ collection of rooms. Bucky still lived in Steve’s collection of rooms, never wanting to be too far when at the compound unless something happened, but that night he crawled into bed with Steve.

“This okay,” Bucky asked softly as Steve rolled over to face him.

“Perfect.”

•••

Over the course of the following months, they only grow closer. They announced their relationship not long into their reaction but they both wanted their privacy and the easiest way was to get ahead of it.

Becca is happy and tells Fox News to fuck off when they call and ask her opinion of Steve and Bucky’s relationship. Bucky and Steve nearly pissed themselves when they saw that the clip went viral.

Things moved quickly but after so long waiting neither really had a problem with it. They’re married less than a year and a half after their first night together. The wedding was small with only the team, family, friends, and Leo.

They still save the world, still fight aliens and robots and whatever else the world throws at them. They both have good and bad days but they have each other and their team and the bad days slowly get fewer and fewer.

They both went through hell and back to get here but they wouldn’t change it because they have each other (and the kitten that Bucky saved from a dumpster) and that’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, shit has been happening. 
> 
> This was meant to be posted a week or so after the third chapter was posted but then I got my wisdom teeth taken out, my dog died, I moved into a dorm for my freshman year of college during a global pandemic, and my rabbit died. But after all that, a major time gap, and. several mental breakdowns later the fourth and final chapter has been posted. 
> 
> (These are not excuses but I did want to explain why I disappeared in the middle of a story.)


End file.
